Facebook has so many marvelous uses. It allows us to keep in touch with our agrarian roots (yay, Farmville!). It shores up our faulty memories by reminding us why we severed contact with that redhead from Year 11 geometry. And — this just in from Anthill’s North American Bureau — its IPO promises to spawn new millionaires whose taxes could shore up California’s moribund economy. (True story.)
Most importantly, according to America’s most reliable source of current affairs and fart gags, The Onion, Facebook fulfills a crucial role as the primary intelligence-gathering tool of the CIA.
Think about it. We post our comings-and-goings, lay out our schedules and reveal our friends, and the spooks suck it all up, thus making the world a safer, more comprehensibly surveilled place — all at a fraction of the costs the agency rang up when it had to perform wiretaps, recruit double agents and pick through garbage.
For those Anthillians unaware of the full extent of Facebook’s brilliant work as the Biggest of Big Brothers (led by Mark “The Overlord” Zuckerberg), we highly recommend this clip from those tireless purveyors of satire at The Onion. What a relief to know all those hours spent on Facebook aren’t the waste of time our so-called friends say it is. Now, Twitter, on the other hand…